This is, hands down, the funniest thing that has ever existed. You may have heard some mentions of some weird right-wing guy trying to start a sex scandal involving Elizabeth Warren. But let me tell you. This shit gets funnier the more details you learn.
A little background. Jacob Wohl has made a name for himself as the right's biggest fuckup of all time. Yes, bigger than Trump, bigger than Giuliani. He already had two failed attempts to pin sexual assault allegations on Robert Mueller and Pete Buttigieg under his belt. He is also the guy who was kicked off of Twitter because they caught him making sock puppet accounts to argue with.
Around the same time as his Twitter ban, he traveled to Minneapolis to "investigate" the racist as fuck conspiracy theory that Rep. Ilhan Omar married her brother. He claimed to have hired a ridiculous security contingent that appeared in none of his videos and tried to paint the city in Minnesota as some kind of lawless wasteland where he had to wear a bulletproof vest due to all the hitmen driving around. He then tried to present his "findings" at the Conservative Political Action Conference, but they wouldn't even let him in.
He then published a "documentary" on his little trip which contained footage of him filing a police report about death threats that came from a Twitter account that, you guessed it, was one of the fake sock puppet ones he made himself! Then he got sued by the guy whose photo he stole for the account.
I've been trying to make right-wingers look bad for 10+ years and but nothing I've written can hold a candle to what Jacob Wohl has done.
Okay, so, Elizabeth Warren. On Wednesday, Wohl and his loyal sidekick Jack Burkman sent out a "media alert" claiming to have "bombshell" evidence of an affair between the Senator, now the Democratic frontrunner, and a young Marine of age 24 or 25. This was allegedly when the Marine was a sex worker who I guess was found by Warren through a specific escort service.
Now, what with Wohl's, ahem, reputation, nobody was expecting this to be anything credible.
But nobody could have predicted how funny it could be.
Not only to Wohl and Burkman have a guy claiming to be this Marine, they are and have him saying that the two of them had wild BDSM-type sex, with Warren hitting the Marine with a cat o' nine tails and leaving scars on his back. In their sparsely populated "press conference," they also said that she had a sexual relationship with a woman at some point and fucked her with, and I am not exaggerating or joking in any way, a lime green strap-on dildo.
The video of the "press conference" is fucking breathtaking.
😍The Jacob Wohl/Elizabeth Warren😍— HeyIt'sVadim (@vadimnewquist) October 4, 2019
😍SUPER CUT!!!!!!!!😍 pic.twitter.com/v6Vgzu5WTu
What's your favorite part? Wohl's inability to keep himself from laughing at his own made-up allegations? The hired security guard's repeatedly ignoring their commands to remove someone from the "crowd," if it can be called that? The guy at the end saying he's switching his vote from Bernie to Liz because "she fucks"? Or just the constant mocking laughter from the crowd?
Other details from people who were there are also hilarious:
We’re told if we don’t stop laughing we have to leave. #JacobWohl— ANGELS4COWBOOS 👻🌹 (@manda_writes) October 3, 2019
Here's a photo of the whole crowd, by the way:
Meanwhile, Jack Burkman, who is still on Twitter, has issued this ultimatum to Liz that includes the name of the Marine, which is "Kelvin."
Dear @SenWarren,— Jack Burkman (@Jack_Burkman) October 4, 2019
We’re giving you one more chance to fess up to your BDSM affair with Kelvin Whelly
The comments are extremely worth looking through.
If there was any doubt in your mind that this entire thing is bullshit, not that it really matters as long as everyone was consenting and considering the shit we all know Trump has done, this clown brigade has already been caught in an obvious lie. One of the scars that Kelvin said was given to him by Liz? Welp:
"Hit my back with a chain trying to take down a swing," he wrote. And yes, that is a tattoo from that Vin Diesel movie "XXX." So clearly this guy has no shame.
But the much funnier bit of evidence that this is all bullshit is the fact that reporters contacted the escort service they're claiming Kelvin worked for and company representative said that Kelvin wasn't good enough to work there.
The owner of the escort agency that Jacob Wohl's fake Warren accuser said he worked for disputes the story and says he would never employ the alleged escort — He's "not up to caliber to work at our agency."— Will Sommer (@willsommer) October 3, 2019
Story from @ejdickson https://t.co/1ANs1oHhw9
IT'S. TOO. FUNNY.
All of this is so clearly going to boost Warren's name recognition and poll numbers that I find myself wondering if Wohl and Burkman aren't some kind of deep cover liberal agents determined to get her elected in 2020. I mean. The jokes just keep coming.
Elizabeth Warren 2020: Because Trump Deserves To Be Whipped By A Pro— Jessica Ellis (@baddestmamajama) October 3, 2019
“Liz Warren had consensual sex”— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) October 4, 2019
[Tucker Carlson’s bow tie starts spinning]
I missed the Jacob Wohl thing, but I infer that Elizabeth Warren will now change her campaign slogan to "Warren 2020: Unstoppable Sex Monster" and win in a landslide?— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) October 3, 2019
Elizabeth Warren even got a pretty funny joke referencing this whole circus act and them calling her a "cougar."
It's always a good day to be reminded that I got where I am because a great education was available for $50 a semester at the University of Houston (go Cougars!). We need to cancel student debt and make college free for everyone who wants it. pic.twitter.com/fHasLm0j9P— Elizabeth Warren (@ewarren) October 3, 2019
Honestly, how can I support any other candidate now? Elizabeth Warren 2020. She fucks.