Tuesday, October 22, 2019

Feels Update

Nothing really struck me with inspiration to blog today, not that shit's not going down, but whatever I'm gonna talk about how I've been doing.

I feel like things are starting to basically go back to normal, except with me being more social and going on more walks. Thinking about playing video games still brings up a weird anxiety, but it seems to be overall gradually going away. Sometimes it feels like my emotional walls pop back up and I get all tense inside and get stomach pains even (literally this happens when I suppress my emotions too much). But right now I think I'm allowing myself to feel and thinking about what I'll do with the rest of the day is only bringing up a faint bit of anxiety.

I also came up with a metaphor about life and mental illness that involves video games, so buckle up. Sometimes I can get so down when it seems like progress on life and mental health is so slow, and sometimes I even take steps back. It's frustrating and it aggravates my fear of wasting my time and that things will never really get better. But then I remembered how I'm one of those people who, when faced with a boss I'm really not up to level for, I will just keep trying over and over again because I know that eventually (unless I'm WAY out of my league), a combination of the skill gained from numerous attempts and luck will combine to bring me victory.

Sometimes when the boss is really hard, I'll get frustrated and feel like I'm wasting my time. But when it comes to video games, it's easy to remember that every attempt is a step toward winning. Even when an attempt goes worse than the one before it, I know I'm learning and getting closer to that time when I'll get enough luck and skill together to beat the boss.

I just need to translate that to real life. Mental illness and climate change fears aren't exactly like video game bosses, but the point is that even steps backward are a part of progress.

It's still hard to feel so uncertain of the future. I still struggle a lot with guilt. But I even think I'm feeling physically better. For a while I was feeling really tired a lot of the time and I was worried something was physically wrong with me, but it might have just been the tiring emotions I was experiencing. Anxiety and depression really drain you.

It's a really strange time to live in. I still think a lot about the meaning of existence. I still feel like I should be doing so much more to help/prepare for possible bad times ahead but it's hard. Preparing for doomsday doesn't sound fun at all. Also I'm gonna feel really silly if it wasn't necessary. But also I feel silly for worrying about feeling silly. Welcome to my brain.

One thing I did do was finally launch a Discord server as a support group for climate-related anxiety and grief. I've been promoting it on my Tumblr account and so far a few people have joined and there have already been good discussions! If you want to join, this link is set to never expire. I think most people who read this already follow me on Tumblr but whatevs, the more the merrier.

I really hope there's something beyond this mortal existence. I don't talk about spiritual shit a whole lot but at this point in my life I'd be pissed if it's just this and then eternal oblivion. Anyway, have a good Tuesday.

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