Thursday, October 3, 2019

Feels update

I often look back on my time in college as an ideal for how life should be. I honestly think that my happiness during that time contributes to my current depression in a way and has contributed to discontent for all the years since graduation. I can never go back to that time but there are some key aspects of that period that clue me in to what makes me happy. First of all, I had a very solid safety net. At the time, my parents were doing well financially and I knew I could go to them if I needed help. Another huge thing was that I had so much hope for the future.

Being the naive liberal I was then, I'd thought that Obama's election to the presidency meant things had really changed. I didn't think they would ever recover, I thought the people of this country would pull away from them over how completely ridiculous they became over the election of a Black man. Aside from all that wrongness, I thought the economy would recover and go back to the way it was in the 90's, and I thought I had a rich and interesting future ahead of me that would not involve existential threats to the survival of the human species. I never would have guessed that we'd have anything close to the bullshit we have today.

Lack of hope for the future is a huge aspect of depression, but it's hard to have much. I'm not in complete despair, but it's hard to imagine that things won't get worse before they get better, and I'm afraid they never will get better. I don't look upon the future with complete despair anymore, but I look upon it with fear.

And that probably has a lot to do with why I'm so restless and anxious lately. I have been doing better, I've felt tastes of joy and dang, October is the best month. I love early fall and when I think of snuggling up in a soft blanket with some hot cocoa and watching Halloween Wars, I feel good. When I actually do that, I still feel this needling in the back of my brain that tells me I should be playing some kind of video game at the same time or else I'm not really enjoying myself. Still can't shake that, but I'm trying to do more of one recreational activity at a time.

I've also been doing a good job with reaching out and socializing more. And I'm pretty sure it's a good thing that I've been feeling so much, even if some of the feelings are uncomfortable, like anxiety and anger at Jeremy Clarkson. I'm happy with my decision to blog once per weekday unless I'm not feeling it, like I wasn't on Monday. I even had a moment today where I really, truly felt like being around people = good.

But it does suck knowing that it's going to be a serious uphill battle to ever feel as happy as I did in college because my safety net is much thinner and because my hope for the future is very weak. Without a sense of security or real hope, I don't know that I'll ever be able to gain a feeling of contentment and peace that's anything like what I had before. And it sucks because I know that we could give hope and security to everyone on this planet if we really wanted to and invested in that instead of death machines and feeding the endless money void that is the mega-rich.

I will also never stop resenting the fact that I have no choice but to work to make someone else money for a fraction of the profit my labor produces. Even homelessness becomes less of an option as the people of this country turn on those who have almost nothing.

I'm taking things day by day but I'm afraid my happiness level can only max out at "meh" with the way the world is right now. Part of me hopes something just absolutely ridiculous goes down that will at least bring all of us struggling people together in revolution because that's the only way I see things changing enough to avert serious disaster.

Sometimes I think about the current average human life expectancy and just feel exhausted. Nearly 50 more years? That is so many.

And yet at the same time, I feel this constant nagging sense of urgency as though my time is short. I'm not sure the human brain was ready to deal with the level of bullshit we've managed to heap upon it.

Oh well. I think I'll go play some Overwatch. Because I'm actually writing this at 8:30 pm two days ago. Scheduling blog posts ahead of time counts.

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