Thursday, September 26, 2019

I Love You All

[TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE]

Today has been something. I almost lost a friend to suicide but thankfully she's okay, and seems to be getting help. She's an online friend who lives across the country so I can't be with her physically, which sucks, but I'm just so glad she's alive and okay.

At the same time this morning I got a now-deleted comment on a random gif of the day, the one with the bird who wants to stay in the human's hand, which was like an entire article on why some old women can't get dates and how they can get past that for some man-love. He apparently assumed I was old, which, like, I'm 31 now so it depends on your perspective but I am not actually out of child-bearing range, at least, dude, lmao.

It didn't bother me, it was just so weird and funny. You'd think it would at least be on a blog post about one of those very old ladies who credit their long lives on avoiding men.

Anyway, it's been a very emotional day but I want to say that I'm doing well, I'm doing better in general, I'm pretty sure. Someone suggested to me last night after I expressed that I was feeling a lot of unusually intense anxiety and anger that it could be a sign of depression lifting, and I think they might be right. Either way it feels like that psychic wall I've talked about that keeps my emotions back without my permission has fallen or weakened, and that is a very good thing, even though it's uncomfortable for now.

I've also been telling my friends that I appreciate and love them, and if I missed you it's only because I've been doing it haphazardly kind of on impulse. But I just love all my friends and I really want to love everybody like some kind of Nick Jr. cartoon character, okay? Weird commenter guy who thinks I'm old and need a man, I'm glad you're alive.

At the same time, if you've ever attempted suicide, I sincerely hope you don't feel guilty or like a bad person for doing that. It's not your fault. None of us can endure an unlimited amount of emotional pain and despair, and we all have a different threshold for reasons largely outside of our control. I love you if you've attempted, I love you if you've thought about it, I love you if you've completely suicide and can't read this, or maybe you can, who knows?

I'm going to spend some time celebrating life today and I hope you all do, too. Thanks for existing.

Me @ you right now:


No comments: