Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Feels Dump Again

I need to get some of these feelings out but I don't want to put it on anyone who's not getting paid so blogging is my best option, I guess. But if you're not up for end-of-the-world speculation and existential dread, do not read the following.

So I am currently of the opinion/existential hell that the climate apocalypse is coming. I don't say these things as jokes. I believe there is a very strong chance that the next recession (and recessions are literally inevitable under capitalism so that one's a given) will be even worse than the last, likely sinking into a true, undeniable depression (the last one was probably a depression too, people just don't want to use that word). I believe there is a strong chance that the world will not recover from this one. I believe there is a strong chance that, as a recent climate report said, society will begin to collapse by 2050.

I don't want to believe this shit at all. I miss the days when I was hanging on to disbelief, still emotionally believing that the reports were somehow wrong and/or we would be able to pull out of this nosedive. But the reality keeps ending up worse than the worst-case scenario of every climate report that's had time to play out, so I can't cling to denial any more. I believe there is a very strong chance that most of the planet will become inhabitable for humans within the next 100 years and we may die out altogether.

I wish I was a cynical bastard who didn't care. And I'm well aware that in the scope of the entire universe and time, our numerous and arrogant little species doesn't really matter. But I do care. As it turns out, I want humanity to survive. I did a lot of what I did thinking I was at least helping to lay the groundwork for a better tomorrow for future humans. Now there probably won't be future humans? Great.

But it's more than that. I'm afraid. I'm scared of what societal collapse will look like and what we'll have to endure leading up to that. The Trump recession is hurtling toward us and will be here very soon. I don't know if my job and my partner's job will survive it.

So we'll move back in with his parents. What's the big deal, Lindsey? Others will have it so much worse.

Well, I hurt for them, too. Don't I? Do I? If so, do I enough?

Here's another thing that's been haunting me. If we did/do somehow manage to survive climate change without much damage, how would we face the problem of overpopulation? This has really been fucking with my head. I've read that, at the rate we currently produce food, if we didn't waste half of it as we do, we could feed 10 billion people. And that's great, but we're kinda close to that number of people already. And here's the kicker. The better things are for people, the more people there are. Living things die to make way for new living things, with the exception of like one weird species of lobster, I think. Other than that, we all die of old age because if we didn't, overpopulation would kill all of us. That's how nature has worked.

So if things had been better, more just, with less genocide, would we already be at the max population point and facing extinction anyway? I know this issue has come up before and the optimistic ones have been like "uhhhhhh SPACE TRAVEL" but we don't even know if that's possible beyond Mars, and terraforming is an untested theory.

The point is, could we have ever survived?

If our extinction is/was inevitable, why am I so upset?

Is it just because this isn't how I was told my life would be? No one warned me that I was one of the last generations? I don't even like it when my dinner plans change unexpectedly.

I know someone had to witness the end of human history, but I didn't want it to be me, and nobody asked.

It all seems so petty. But I feel like I have a knife dangling over my head, stifling my ability to enjoy anything. I want to enjoy my life as much as possible before things go to hell but I've only made myself miserable with this urgency.

Or maybe it just comes down to the fact that I have a human brain, and that brain was not made to be able to comprehend oblivion. How am I supposed to handle the threat of human extinction? I feel like madness is knocking at my door every day I go through the motions of working and paying the bills and fucking working out and eating salads. And I know I do those things because they help me feel better, but at the same time it feels absolutely completely absurd to be doing any of this. Especially working. Shouldn't I at least pack up some essentials, take what money I have and travel the world?

But. I'm scared to. How fucked up is that?

I don't know how to cope. I feel like I could cry for days and yet I can barely get any tears out. I'm full to bursting with emotion and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

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