Wednesday, July 24, 2019

Morning Feels Dump

I thought I would make this a morning announcement but it's really not an announcement so much as it is a sharing of feels. Part of what I'm feeling is that I shouldn't have to explain my absence yesterday, this is my blog and it's viewed daily on average less than 300 times, with maybe about 10 of those being real reads by real human beings, so really why am I even taking it so seriously, but also I'm not supposed to be sorry and I'm not saying I am-

This is what it's like in my brain all the time, by the way.

I was really depressed yesterday. A big part of that was feeling like I should be happy because honestly, my current money-making situation is pretty much one that I had been envisioning for years as a dream scenario that would just make my life wonderful. But yesterday I had a really strong feeling that I am just generally not happy. This led to a spiral that resulted in the conclusion that I have lost the ability to be happy or am at least losing the ability to feel joy. This is something I worry about sometimes, maybe even often. It's something I'm afraid of.

To some extent I have felt like my emotions have gradually become less intense. I don't know if this is an aging thing, maybe it is. I fear that it's a result of an awful tendency I have to repress my emotions without meaning to. It's something I did so often when I was a child/teen that it became like a reflex and I really don't know how to make it stop. All I'm able to attempt is to self-talk myself out of it, do some deep breathing and meditation. But I worry that I don't even notice I'm doing it and it's becoming worse over time. Is that weird?

Lately I have also gotten much more into smoking/ingesting cannabis, and the thing with that is it seems to intensify my emotions - both good and bad. If I get high enough, I can experience a kind of euphoria and I frequently, really constantly get a sense that there is another world/universe/dimension out there that is full of joy, and I can feel that happiness and contentment for a short time. Then it fades and sometimes - more often if I am getting high on a daily basis - this turns into a spiral where I feel like this world here is just so full of despair and awfulness, and I feel all of my struggling and the horrors of this world so intensely.

I'm not saying I even know what any of that means, but that's how I've been feeling.

Mostly, I fear that I'm reaching a point where I can only feel joy with drugs. Anhedonia, the inability to feel pleasure, is a real thing, often associated with depression, and it can be really difficult to treat. In past years, I've felt joy at the turning of the seasons. This spring, I felt that for maybe like an hour and then nothing. I don't seem to get much joy out of video games anymore, which is a real fucking bummer because even if that just means that I'm getting older and my tastes in recreation are changing, that's a huge part of my identity that I don't want to give up.

Is this that creeping depression that makes you lose interest in activities you once loved? If not, what does bring me joy? If it's depression, ugh, the whole idea of going back to therapy is a whole other thing that I really just don't want to deal with. But I know I probably should either way.

I'm 30 and I'm just so tired of struggling. I know happiness and contentment are possible because I felt that way through most of my time in college. But sometimes I wonder, even if fucking capitalism were abolished and we somehow implemented a system where everyone was just taken care of and I didn't have to work or worry, would I be able to be happy even then? Or would I keep avoiding my feelings by getting high and playing Sims 4 all day, even then?

Everything else just seems so hard. I'm tired.

I don't know that writing this down has made me feel any better, but maybe someone will be able to relate and feel a little better. Here's to you, random depressed stoner.

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