Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Let's Talk About Our Feelings

[TRIGGER WARNING: EXTREME PESSIMISM, CONCENTRATION CAMPS, SUICIDE MENTION]

Okay so, during the past couple years, the trajectory of the U.S. has appeared to take a complete nosedive, like nearly 90 degree angle if it were a line graph, holy fuck direction, you know? And I've been spending the last, um, well it's either been several days or 5,000 years, it's hard to say, anyway I've been writing about concentration camps that exist inside of this country for both paid work and on this blog and also on Tumblr and Twitter and sharing shit about it daily on Facebook because every day there's new horrible news about fucking concentration camps, and at the same time other horrible shit is going on like Trump is having a military parade with fucking tanks and everything oh and the other day he joked with Putin about how they should "get rid" of journalists and here I am being something of a journalist and also vehemently critical of Trump, also June was the hottest month on record, whee!

And that's just some of what's been happening since I read that climate report that was signed off on by a former fucking oil tycoon so you know that's some serious shit and also it said that it's very likely that due to climate catastrophe society will start to collapse by 2050, which pushed me over the edge to believing on an emotional level that there is actually a good chance that humanity has no future.

I spent some time trying to deal with the climate change thing but I think it's safe to say I have not fully dealt with my emotions around that, let alone all this concentration camp shit. I'm not the best at facing my emotions and processing them in a healthy way. I'd rather ignore them and hope they just fuck off. That never works, by the way.

So let's talk feelings. I mean, I'm going to talk about my feelings here and you can absolutely feel free to do so in the comments and in fact I encourage you to do so even though very few people will read this but whatever.

On Monday I had to write two articles about the concentration camps, one being that horrific Facebook page for border patrol agents that exposed me to a particularly triggering image and then just an overall piece about what we've learned from all the Democrats who visited the camps over the weekend.

After my work was finished, I got up from the couch, went to sit on a nearby chair, and started sobbing. Don't feel bad for me, crying is good. In fact, I didn't cry for nearly long enough. I still have so much emotion inside me but I have a hard time with crying and processing and blah blah blah. The truth is it feels like I could cry for about a year straight if I had like an IV in me at all times pumping water and sodium back into my body.

But on top of all of that, every time I think that I should do something to make sure I do process these emotions, such as therapy, or exercise, or just sitting with my emotions without distractions for a few minutes every day, I can't help but have the thought that why should I bother if everything is just gonna go to shit? I don't wonder if I should bother continuing to write on this for work or otherwise because I just have to. But aside from my work and blogging, I spend a lot of time with a lot of distractions going at once, and I've been spending a lot of time high. And I fear these coping mechanisms won't last.

But it's been so hard to get motivated to do what I know I should to keep myself reasonably healthy. It's hard enough to even write this out because on top of all of all that, I still have this ridiculous fear of people knowing that I'm feeling bad, even though it seems like my entire blog would make that pretty clear. There's all this shame and worrying that people will worry about me. It's utterly absurd right now but there it is.

Sometimes the sheer scope of human suffering is overwhelming. I used to live my life with the hope that someday, we would figure out how to stop hurting each other and create a world where justice actually prevails and the world wouldn't be run by people whose goal in life is to add ever more to their massive pile of riches and power. Who seem to live and thrive on human suffering. I figured my efforts meant something even if I would never live to see anything close to social justice because I was helping to lay the groundwork for future generations.

Now I feel like there may not be future generations at all. So what are my efforts for? I still feel as though I couldn't stop if I wanted to, but there's a grief in feeling like it could all be for nothing, that the future I'd imagined could happen has been ripped away.

So often these days I think back to just a few years ago, when I could never have imagined that we could have concentration camps on U.S. soil in my lifetime. Sure, we'd had them before, but we've learned our lesson, right?

Now I realize that, well, we've had prisons that are Like That this whole time. Plus Native American reservations are pockets of intense poverty thanks to our government. But that certainly doesn't make me feel better. Maybe it's absurd for me to freak out over these concentration camps when we basically have them for other people we deem criminals. We still basically have slavery. School desegregation never happened, did you know that?

Did things really ever get better? Do things get better? Can things get better? Or is it all the same shit in a new package?

I just want to take a moment to assure any readers that I am not considering suicide.

I want to be honest with my feelings. I think that might be the only way to get through this without either collapsing under the stress or becoming the kind of cold, callous person I never want to be. Sometimes I can kind of understand why people are conservative. It's so hard to give a fuck about other people and not just blame them for all their own suffering no matter what. How much easier must life be when you've convinced yourself that all those who are suffering, from the homeless to the people imprisoned in hell holes for drug possession or seeking asylum to the people starving to death in Yemen somehow deserve it?

But I also hate them, because they're complicit in all that suffering. We could end so much suffering if we just did what is hard. If so many of us didn't take the easy route. Isn't it funny that people assume I must be lazy because I'm fat when here I am, looking at the horrible, painful, ugly parts of humanity and feeling my feelings and trying to do something, anything about it?

I want to cry and I don't want to cry. I want to cry but I can't. Or I can a little but not nearly as much as I know I need to.

So that's some of how I'm feeling lately! I dunno. Maybe somehow we'll save ourselves from climate change. Maybe future generations will look back on my work and be like "man she was emo sometimes but she gave us some good ideas and helped chronicle the shit show that was the early 21st century." Maybe I am just being an overdramatic SJW Millennial or whatever. I sure hope so.

But then again, we do definitely have concentration camps, and disgusting, abusive, overcrowded prisons, and massive racial injustice, and all the other stuff. I know on small scales, human societies have functioned without being completely awful to one another. But it seems like on a larger scale, this is what we've always done. Can we ever stop?

I hope things get better but I'm afraid they will get much worse. With everything that's happened in the past couple years, it seems like nothing's off the shit table.

I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm in mourning. I'm in shock.

This is not how things were supposed to be.

No comments: