In case anyone was alarmed yesterday at my two later posts, I'm okay. I am going through a prolonged existential crisis but what 30-year-old isn't right now? Probably most of my generation is.
I'm glad I took the time yesterday to get my feelings out. I cried a lot. I didn't get any closer to some magical truth that will make things better or even make me feel better. But I was able to get up this morning knowing that I will keep going because I can.
I think I've made a positive impact on the world overall. I wish I could do more. Someday I probably will be able to. I will keep feeling pain at the knowledge that people are suffering and I will keep hating and raging against injustice. And I'm glad. The worst thing that could happen to me would be becoming apathetic.
I doubt I'll ever really understand why people can be so evil. On an intellectual level I can already understand. But that's not true understanding. I know I don't want to understand on a deeper level because I would probably have to be evil myself to achieve that.
I've been through all this before. And I'll go through it again. And I guess that's part of the reason that people choose evil. They don't have to deal with this pain. That doesn't make it okay, of course. I just have to keep reminding myself that at least I didn't take the easy path. My problem is that so many people have and do, and the big joke is that they think they're rare, special individuals, rather than being just another part of a faceless, boring, evil mob.
Maybe if I do anything different, it'll be that. I'm going to press the point that the racists calling refugees "invaders" and their ilk are boring. Boring as fuck. Ordinary. The opposite of special.
Maybe I just need to come to terms with the fact that I want to do more but am held back by fear and be okay with feeling guilty about that. Maybe that's a bad idea because guilt is a terrible motivator. But I can't get over the fact that terrible things are happening now and I'm still sitting at home. Maybe I need to get it into my head that I'm not special.
I don't know. But I'm okay. I hope you are, too.