Dearest Mom and Dad,— Jenny Wilkie (@JennyWilkie5) July 4, 2018
I’m happy to report that we were successful in our battle for the border. As soon as the MAGA hats saw our transgender soldiers, they rushed to defend the bathrooms, giving us the opportunity to free the children from their cages. #secondcivilwarletter
My dearest Agatha, I pray you may aid us in this, our darkest hour. Supplies of probiotics and kombucha have been seized by Sessions’ forces, as the living bacteria therein are considered potential voters by the administration. Please send Greek Yoghurt. #secondcivilwarletter— Tracy W. Bush (@TracyWBush) July 4, 2018
Papa,— Nettie Rhodes (@TheNettieRhodes) July 4, 2018
We bleeders finally arrived at the place where Dear Leader liberated the coal miners&Harley Davidson workers from MS13.The men were keeping warm w/ their remaining tiki torches
We asked them to lead us to Camp”Clit Oris”but they couldn’t find it#secondcivilwarletter
Dearest mother,— USMC (@Infantry0300) July 4, 2018
It is with great shame that I tell you I am captured.
While heading towards the battle, I came upon the most beautiful lass and began to romance her.
She was an inflatable sheep in stockings. It was a trap and I was ambushed
With shame,#secondcivilwarletter pic.twitter.com/Rn2cvt8Ims
#secondcivilwarletter Dearest Daughter, your father and I are proud beyond belief to learn you are now serving under General Ginsburg. Is it true she does planks in the mornings before donning her collar of dissent? May God watch over you and the General.— GeoSC (@DirtScienceRx) July 3, 2018
My Dearest Craig-— Jenn (@Nicks2007mom) July 3, 2018
I’m stationed here at Bowling Green’s MASH unit. Things were slow except for one case of gastritis due to a non organic food. That was until the Red Hats came up the hill. 6 of them set themselves on 🔥 trying to lite their tiki torches. #secondcivilwarletter
Dear mother,— Jamiepack (@Onapack) July 4, 2018
Our cause has been reinvigorated as a shipment of La Croix and avocados has been delivered by our friends up North. The note, written in CBD oil, reads: let the red hats keep Florida but tell them the rocks stopped falling in the ocean. #secondcivilwarletter
Dearest Zoe,— Tyler James Haggard (@tiphaggard) July 3, 2018
Indications v strong that we shall lose WiFi in a few days-perhaps tomorrow. Do not mourn me dead; think I am gone & wait 4 me, 4 we shall Tweet again. & when (or if lol) my last breath escapes me on the battlefield, it will whisper yr handle#secondcivilwarletter
Dear Bess-— Teapot Dome was a deep state Witch Hunt! (@HarrenGWarding) July 3, 2018
We’re dug in next to a lovely cafe overlooking the East River. The 1st wave of MAGA troops turned back when their map apps failed due to lousy cell coverage in Manhattan. We take turns buying sparking water to get the restroom key. Be strong. #secondcivilwarletter
Dearest sister,— 🦊 Amy Frost 🦊 (@Daniora) July 4, 2018
Some of our men intercepted a supply train headed for the red hats’ front lines. We thought this quite the boon until, upon further inspection, we discovered it contained only thoughts and prayers. #secondcivilwarletter
The funniest thing is that leftists are better at making fun of themselves than MAGAs will ever be.