Friday, June 29, 2018

I Have No Headlines

[TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE, SERIAL RAPE, MASS SHOOTING, DEATH, NAZI RHETORIC]

So, yesterday was interesting. By which I mean it was mostly terrible. The entire week has been pretty terrible, what with the Supreme Court being Supremely Awful followed by the news that it's going to become much worse soon. Then today you had a mass shooting at a the Capital Gazette because pundits, douchefucks like Milo Youneedtostopolis, and the fucking president have been encouraging people to murder journalists, plus this fucking happened:


I still can't even fit that into my head. I know this is privilege at work but part of me is trying to believe that it was a terrible mistake.

I even managed to trip over my own shoes on a gravel road and scrape the fuck out of my knee.

And the cherry on top of this shit sundae was learning that the lead singer and songwriter of all three of my favorite bands, literally, is a fucking rapist.

I don't typically mention being a Tool fan because A) there were already persistent rumors that Maynard is a general dillweed and B) the vast majority of Tool fans are fucking embarrassing. But the truth is that Tool, A Perfect Circle, and later Puscifer have been very important to me. They have gotten me through several hard times in my life. So many hard times. They were basically my entire spiritual life. I was raised Christian but that was nothing compared to sitting back and listening to the softer and trippier songs from those bands and contemplating the meaning of life.

I believe everyone has a spiritual side that they develop through different activities, and mine has primarily been listening to music. There were periods where I considered and even tried to start a kind of spiritual practice that was just listening to certain Puscifer songs in the morning. And also, just the rage and pain of the earlier Tool and A Perfect Circle albums were such important parts of my adolescence. I felt connected to that man.

I'm not the first person who has felt this way. Who has had a role model or favorite singer or whoever turn out to be a horrible person. What's weird is that I'm not surprised. I was kind of waiting for news like this to come out. I don't know how, or why, but I just knew. But at least I could deny it. And part of me is glad that I got to see all three bands in concert before this happened, but also, those memories are tainted now.

The worst part is that I can never listen to any of that music again without being reminded of what he did. All that music is tainted now. It's not that I just won't listen to it out of principle. I don't even expect that from people. I just can't. I know if I try, every note will fill me with grief and anger and disgust. So many songs that were so important to me. I can't even have one last listen without the taint of that man's sins.

Fuck you, Maynard. Fuck you for hurting all those women so horribly, and fuck you for pretending not to be a complete piece of shit long enough to make your music important to so many fans who are now crushed. If hell is real, I hope you burn.

I can't put words to just how hurt I am right now. I feel a deep sense of grief. I want to share it with someone but I also don't want to subject any other Tool fans to how I feel right now. I don't even know how to tell my boyfriend, but it's going to come out soon because I am not okay.

And if you came here to defend that waste of oxygen, do not bother. Do not comment. Fuck off in advance. I don't care what you think. I will delete your comment without reading it and block you. Thanks.

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