Tuesday, January 2, 2018

2018 Ho

So it's 2018. I was so lazy during my break that by the time I realized I hadn't scheduled the gifs of the day, it was not going to happen. Oh well, you lived.

I was not too lazy to travel down to Olympia on the 28th to help deliver nearly 360,000 petition signatures to the Secretary of State's office in the rain, marching from a nearby church with boxes and signs. It was one of the more bittersweet things I'd ever participated in.

I also got Horizon Zero Dawn for Christmas and it's AMAZING so don't expect a ton of blogging from me right now.

So it's 2018. I did a lot of thinking over the break, and man, not writing out my thoughts and feelings regularly really gets them built up. This is a little corny, but I of course saw The Last Jedi before Christmas, and I very much liked it, but during the scene where Luke is starting to train Rey or at least test out her abilities, he tells her to reach out with her feelings, and I for some reason (possibly because I am such a nerd) "reached out" to my own feelings. For a long time I'd been feeling like I'd been holding some emotions back. I assumed it was anxiety, because it almost always is. But when I reached into myself to feel my feelings at that moment, I found anger. It's easy to mix the two up because they both get your heart pumping.

I guess I had thought myself mostly done with anger. Not "done" but past the anger stage of the grief of realizing how fucked up the world is. But the thing about the grief stages is that they don't actually go in any predictable order, and you can go in and out of any stage at any time, and really often you experience all of them at once and more.

I felt so much anger at the world for so long, and I got kind of tired of it, I guess. I got sick of feeling angry and not being able to do anything about it. It's all impotent rage in the face of an impossibly massive enemy. We all talk about it needing to be stopped and what we can do to stop it, but I largely feel like all our little efforts, our bills, our donations, our marches, our petitions - none of it is even close to being enough. Does that make me in the depression stage? There is a lot of despair. Because I honestly feel like the groups that might actually have the attitudes and ideas necessary to effectively fight back are so small. People are largely afraid to get real and so they cling to a liberal idea of "resistance" that insists on playing by the rules set by the people who want us dead, or at least want to take everything from us. They offer safe, comfortable actions people can take to feel a little better about themselves within a system that was never meant for us regular people and that is doomed to collapse in on itself.

But I am still angry about it. I'm angry about the constant lies that have become the norm, the constant hypocrisy that we can scream about until we're blue in the face but that Republicans and alt-right fucks will continue to expose to us without a single care. Truth no longer matters, even the illusion of integrity no longer matters. It's a constant gaslighting that they throw at us over and over and pointing it out does nothing. It's beyond bizarre. It's maddening. Is this some kind of psychological warfare designed to make us lose our minds? Or do they just do it because it somehow works on their brainwashed base?

The point is, I'm still pissed. But I'm also extremely tired. Working for this De-Escalate Washington campaign was strange and uncomfortable. Because it was very much working within that system. I was basically doing something I knew wouldn't work in the long term, and maybe not even in the short term. Yet, especially as a white person, I knew I had to support this, because we have to do something. These families of people murdered by police have found zero justice. This is all they have, this bill. This weak bill that hardly changes anything, that only brings us up to the shit standards of the rest of the country. Yet as milquetoast as the bill is, I absolutely know that this is the best we can do. Anything tougher and it wouldn't stand a chance, because the police have too much power and influence. The police are already coming out against this bill for the most part, and I fear even this won't get the votes once they start their propaganda machine.

It's the best we can do so we have to do it, even though it's not nearly enough. If that's not depressing, I don't know what is.

So 2018. I think this is the year I really start preparing for some shit to go down. I intend to learn some useful hobbies, starting with sewing. My partner got a book on foraging for Christmas. And I'm going to join with my local communists, for real. I'm going to start volunteering with them to serve the community. I really feel like the best we can do right now is start coming together as communities and helping each other. They may be determined to take away our government-funded community programs, but that doesn't make us helpless. We can help ourselves. We'll survive in spite of them. And when it all comes down, we'll keep surviving.

Don't get me wrong, I'll also be advocating for voting any and every Republican out of office this year, if only out of pure spite. Looting their houses can come later, and probably will. Happy New Year!

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