So today I had to actually turn off Netflix and put down the Internet for a second so that I could do some soul searching to figure out why I've been sleeping fitfully every night to the point that by the end of the week I'm so exhausted that I'm convinced I'm coming down with the flu. It took about three seconds of clearing my mind to figure out that I'm still terrified.
Like I predicted, everybody including my brain is trying hard to get back to normal, but all my brain can really do is cover shit up by trying to keep occupied with constant distractions. But under the surface, I'm still scared shitless about the political situation in my country and what it's going to mean for the millions of immigrants and Muslims, for trans people, for my friends, for my future, for everybody.
Over the weekend, my dad made a post on Facebook linking to Dan Rather's statements about how extremely bad Lord Dampnut's attacks on the news media are, and one of his Facebook friends, who is a middle aged white man and business owner, said that Dampnut was only banning "fake news." Spurred on by an urgency that makes me want to never leave bullshit like this unchallenged, I argued with him for a while.
I was every bit as calm and "logical" and polite as people like him demand, at one point appealing to his humanity, basically begging him to JUST LISTEN. But in the end my links to direct evidence were met with nothing but "we'll have to agree to disagree." I didn't agree to that, but he remained stalwart in his refusal to consider real numbers and clear evidence that media outlets like CNN and BBC are real, trusted sources. He was 10,000% committed to ignoring anything that contradicted the beliefs that appealed to him and upheld his privilege.
It's not like this hasn't happened to me before (lmao). But it was still rather disappointing and disheartening that I tried so hard to be kind and say this wasn't about left vs. right and I wasn't arguing just to be right but was really afraid for the lives and safety of people and even say that I hope he comes out of all this okay (though that's not reaaaaally true), hoping I would get a bit of kindness and humanity in return.
I posted my own thing on Facebook expressing my disappointment over this and saying this is why I no longer bother trying to be nice and calm in arguments like that, and I've got family members encouraging me to "take the high road." What does that mean? Besides keep doing the thing that has got the left or at least liberals/the Democrats in this hole in the first place, that's resulted in a bunch of fascists in the White House and all of our progress being stripped away. Keep playing the game by the rules while the right has already flipped over the board, stolen all the fake money and plastic houses, and set the house on fire.
This is why I'm freaked out. Despite everything horrible that's happening, for the most part, people haven't changed. Conservatives still insist on being brick walls and liberals still insist on playing the same rigged game. I feel like all there is to do is brace for impact. It's upsetting and scary and I feel pretty powerless. I'm gonna keep blogging and going to protests and putting up fliers and whatever else I can manage as one little person with relatively few resources, but I remain pessimistic about the future. And scared.