Monday, October 5, 2015

Tolkien Dwarves Are Non-Binary

Tumblr has a special talent for taking things from film, TV, literature and video games and coming up with theories to make them more inclusive and awesome. The one I found today is definitely one of my favorites because it makes so much sense and it's going to piss off sooooooo many cishet Tolkien fans. And Tolkien fans can be the worst nerds ever, seriously.

Theory by PrettyInPixieDust:

So one day a dwarf is talking to a human and finally realizes that when humans say woman, they generally mean “person who is theoretically capable of childbirth” because for whatever reason, humans assign social expectations based genital differences. (What a fucked up culture, the dwarf thinks.) But hey, better communication! So the next time the dwarf introduces theirself, they say, oh, by the way, I am what you call a “woman.” 
And the trade negotiations just stop. They just stop cold. The tall people insist on speaking to the man, they insist on talking to the lady dwarf about all sorts of irrelevant bullshit, like recepies and childrearing and perfume 
so the dwarf goes back home, enraged 
and is like “BTW guess what happened, we’re all just going to be men forever now as far as the tall ones are concerned” 
and everyone is justly horrified at this barbarism but they all agree to do whatever  it takes to squeeze those tall bastards for all the resources they are worth 
and the dwarves get surlier, and the trade agreements less generous 
and the tall people are all “what a miserable and greedy race” 
but really they’re just still nursing a grudge about how goddamn backwards and sexist the tall people are 
because their best negotiator, one of their sacred cave people, got snubbed the instant she said she was capable of childbirth - and a mortal insult like that can never be forgiven


But it gets even better. Tumblr user Avelera adds:

Just as an additional thought, we hear that women dwarves generally stay within the mountain and are a protected, guarded subset of the dwarves. There’s not many of them, so there’s an implication that women dwarves are too precious to be allowed out. 
But what if this too is a mistranslation? What if the dwarves were talking to the Men and when asked “where are all your women?” they hit a wall. They whisper amongst themselves, and eventually come back with a question, “What’s a woman?” The Men are incredulous. 
“Why, the members of your race that bear children, of course!"  
More dwarven whispering. 
They reach the conclusion that Men mean dwarves who are currently pregnant. Well! Of course those dwarves are currently safe within the mountain, well cared for and generally loathe to travel until the child is born. The Men take this to mean that all dwarven women are discouraged from traveling, and that their primary purpose is childbearing. Dwarves find this a satisfactory outcome, especially with the way Men treat their women, and so even when the misunderstanding becomes clear to them they never correct it.

Perfect. Utterly perfect. The Dwarves you read about in Tolkien's books and see in the movies aren't all men. They're all non-binary and they look down on men for being bigoted, cissexist shitheads.

As Tumblrinos would say, "headcannon accepted."

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